Do you ever get in ruts? I do. And I feel like I’m in a big one. I was reading some health stuff online today and realized probably much of this rut is owed to negative thinking and lack of sleep. And sort of unintentionally forsaking the things I love and that make me happy and energize me. Singing, playing guitar, dancing, painting, random adventures that don’t necessarily involve spending alot of money. Maybe I need to do those things more often, and that’ll sort of be like the jumper cables to this whole finding a new job thing. I’m tired of feeling like this awful retail job is holding me back. And I really want the day to come when my boyfriend and I don’t have to say goodbye at the airport. There are definitely many positive things in my life right now that I am very thankful and grateful for, my amazingly awesome boyfriend included. But I also feel that I’ve sort of lost some joy and I don’t know…zest for life (???) in this whole post-graduation employment nightmare. It’s silly, really. And you know what, I want it back. I’ll admit I can be a bit of a complainer at times. Ok, a huge complainer. Bleccch. I’m so tired of letting my job and all the negative people I have to deal with every day get me down. I want to declare I’m done with it, and mean it and have that be the end of it.
I’m done with it! NO MAS! BASTA! You are a paycheck and you do not define me!
There I said it. If I start complaining again, please smack me.
Ok, smack me metaphorically, because I’m really not into violence.
“i wish the world was flat like the old days
and i could travel just by folding a map
no more airplanes or speedtrains or freeways
there’d be no distance that could hold us back…”
Said goodbye to my love who lives in Berkeley at 5:30 am this morning.
Standing in the rain, watching him drive away in the yellow cab, crying like the girl that I am, I realized again how much this man means to me. Went back to sleep for several hours, woke up, and resolved once more to get myself a darn job in the bay area. Not only is commission retail sales stressful and soul killing, it zaps all my energy so that in a good week I apply to only six job listings. That’s not enough. I know this. I fired off several applications and resumes for hours until I could no longer even comprehend the job postings and the words all ran together. Took a break, ate some food, watched the first episode of 24. Started thinking about him again, and had a burst of energy, enough to get me to break out my sketchbook (!) It’s been muuuuuuuuch too long since the last time I sketched anything. I’m really out of practice and my hand’s a little rusty, but hey that’s how it always is in the beginning when you’re trying to get your drawing hand back. You really can’t judge beginnings, just work through them. For me, sketching is where it all starts. That’s when serious business starts, and when the ideas start to come. Getting there, working up the motivation is the hard part. But all that happened was that I was thinking about my wonderful boyfriend, and suddenly I just felt like drawing. And I realized again how much this love has awakened me.